[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
worst…sale…ever
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
A new level of troll.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Ferrari squats
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.