There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
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[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.