shut up and take my money
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.