We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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Attacked by a mop.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.