In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
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I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.