They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.