WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
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[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Always
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*