Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
This bar smells like my childhood.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.