Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
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Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare