I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
titanic
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old