I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
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We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
kitchen magnet
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird