me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.