Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
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me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again