Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.