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In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup