fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.