I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
You Might Also Like
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Seems kinda suspicious
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW