Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
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It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
This 4th of July, please remember…
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I hate my earbuds.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]