Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading