you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
You Might Also Like
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!