Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.