There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
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Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Merica.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
This pepper has seen some shit
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.