This a good idea
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Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Poetry is my passion
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.