11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Netflix: We have Less
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.