If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
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At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.