I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Sniffing the broccoli
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
being a writer on Twitter:
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
yall want some gasoline milk