“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
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If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.