Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
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MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
that’s really how it is
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter