The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that