My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Salad is the decaf of food.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”