I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
You Might Also Like
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”