Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
These aren’t even hard anymore.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
my one true gender
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.