What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
If you know, you know
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me