realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
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*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.