My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
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[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
idk flipping houses looks really hard
i spent way too long on this
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.