Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Sign at work today
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
yeah no that’s fair
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.