Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”