Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
You Might Also Like
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!