[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
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Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change