I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.