Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….