[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
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wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan