ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games