According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
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Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.