Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.