My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
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A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Me :
All Day At Night
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”