[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Where is your GOD now????
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.