Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.