Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
the Monday after daylight savings
That’s not how days work.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.