[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
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How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos